Measure of Success...

I grew up believing that success was about achievement - about coming first in class, about being a class monitor, being selected for competitions, winning prizes and merit certificates.. it was my way of proving my worth to the world. Just being me was insufficient - somehow being me meant I wasn't trying hard enough or pushing myself to my fullest potential. I still don't fully know why I have always had so much to prove about myself and in the process, I have constantly set myself unrealistically high standards of success.

Unfortunately for me, participation was just the base expectation. It was all about "the horse must run best on the derby day or else it did not matter". Enjoying the process was not a goal, ever. And if ever I failed (which I did), my world would fall apart in the most devastating ways.. days full of tears, hurtful words said to myself, followed by endless comfort eating - because failure meant I was unworthy, insufficient, taking up too much space and someone could not measure up to my pedigree.. someone to be ashamed of. At the same time, while my measure of success was exceptionally high, the yardstick of failure was exceptionally low - but to what end?

I soon began to observe that any achievement was always short lived and somehow never felt "enough".. It was almost as though even if one thing had been "achieved", there were still so many other things that had not been achieved. Even in succeeding, I was somehow always failing. In the many empty moments following achievement, I strangely felt unfulfilled, not enough, unhappy.. even though I was "successful" by my own measure and this would make me hate myself more.

Recently, I started to challenge the notion - because if this was success, shouldn't it be and feel more meaningful on a sustained basis? Through a lot of unintentionally but divinely well timed conversations and time off, I started exploring the idea if success was ever really about achievement at all.. but then what was the burning need to constantly succeed? I don't have the answers yet but I cannot help but wonder that perhaps it comes from a fundamental lack of love for myself that I have subjected myself to over the years - and as I learn to love myself, what I need to feel wholesome, is changing.

I have come to play with the idea that perhaps, Success is about Progress, and not attainment or achievement. It seems appealing because perhaps it would make success within the reach of every tiny step, and yet a constant, infinite endeavour. I wonder whether measuring success by tracking small increments against my own previous efforts would feel more meaningful and wholesome. Perhaps this way, one could seek success every day. But at the same time, I also wonder if more frequent measures of success, would in a paradoxical way, reduce its meaning and import? At some level, that still bothers me.. so perhaps this is just the beginning of the process of discovering what measure of success is still relevant for me.

Equally, perhaps that the real purpose of our human journey is the pursuit of the highest most authentic versions of ourselves, through discovery and living our purpose, our why, by bringing to bear our own unique, special gifts. And in doing so, we need to challenge what we have believe if it no longer serves us who we are becoming - as many times as we need to. Perhaps it is not an abandonment of ourselves, but the uncovering of our truest core, which is hiding under the conditioning. It is a process of refinement and discovery, and therefore the notion of progress being success seems to somehow make sense to me, at least for now.